- Years old:
- What is my ethnicity:
- I'm israeli
- My sexual orientation:
- I prefer to listen:
I have been married for 14 years, and during the last five years, I have been having an affair with one of my coworkers. I have recently decided that I need to give my marriage one last effort without having my girlfriend on the side, and broke up with her. I have half way tried to make my marriage work in the past two years, but my girlfriend was always there if I needed her. She wants me to hurt as bad as her. I am totally in fear of what my girlfriend will do, is she just talking cause she is mad or are her threats real? I just really got myself into a rock and a hard space
Falling in love is the ultimate act of trust. That's why finding out that the person you've given your heart to has been hiding a full-blown relationship is a particularly devastating betrayal.
Naturally, this unfortunate scenario raises a troublesome question: if you're the other woman, should you tell the cheater's ificant other? I know I was. That post garnered 15, views and shares, as well as hundreds of DMs. Clearly, it's a loaded question.
Should the 'other woman' ever tell a wife that her husband is cheating?
According to Avgitidis, the act of cheating on a committed partner and lying to you by keeping their other relationship a secret shows a certain degree of impulsivity and selfishness, as well as a lack of regard for others' feelings. These are qualities that could rear their ugly head if you were to "out" them to their ificant other.
In other words, if they've built their world around a web of lies, who knows what they'd do to protect their carefully crafted world at your expense? Susan Trombettimatchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, adds that while informing the other person that their partner has been unfaithful may feel like the compassionate thing to do, it can actually be kinder not to share.
You don't know where they might be at emotionally, nor do you know what their current support system is like. After all, finding out that your partner has been cheating on you can inspire a range of different feelings, from sadness to full-blown rage.
If you find out you're the other woman, should you say anything?
What if some of that gets directed at you? Avgitidis and Martinez acknowledge that every situation is unique.
Another thing to consider is this couple's relationship status. This is especially true if they have children, according to Martinez.
Who's to say the couple won't work it out on their own? Given that the consequences of sharing this news could be potentially devastating to a married couple, Avgitidis believes that the cheater should be the one to tell their spouse — because only they will be able to offer an apology, explanation, and ultimately, closure.
Both Avgitidis and Martinez point out that in general, infidelity is eventually brought to light. So, while you might be tempted to fill someone in on their cheating SO's behavior, it's often better to let them find out in their own way. If you do decide to tell the ificant other, Martinez says there are two general rules to follow: Don't disclose too much personal info, and share the news the way you would want to receive it.
Both Trombetti and Martinez recommend avoiding social media as a means of contact, if possible, as your profile offers a wealth of information about you.
Instead, they suggest making a phone call if you can, not only to protect your privacy but also because there are less likely to be misunderstandings that way than with texts or direct messages. Every situation is different.
Breaking the triangle: should you tell a cheater’s spouse?
But keep in mind that while telling the cheater's partner may feel like the "right" thing to do, it's not quite that simple. As much as you may want to protect that stranger's feelings, your overall well-being and safety are the most important things to weigh when making your decision.
While you may not have had a say in being made the other woman, you do have a say in how you bow out of this unfortunate scenario. And by honoring your own needs, values, and boundaries, you can do so with integrity and grace.
Maria Avgitidismatchmaker. Pricilla Martinezlife coach. Susan Trombettimatchmaker.
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